Faulknerian sentences

Anyone who has read William Faulkner’s stream-of-consciousness writings knows that he (and, of course, many other authors, including Ireland’s James Joyce) could write sentences of far-too-great a length.

 

The lesson is: Make your writing easy to read, or you'll lose readers. That is, of course, unless you're a famous author. Unfortunately, most of us aren't.

 

Here are some modern Egregious Examples from various sources:

 

1) On Aug. 29, from 8:30 a.m. to noon at the Palm Beach County Healthcare Pavilion (5205 Okeechobee Blvd., West Palm Beach), is the start of a six-week series of free seminars to help those 60 and over who have chronic health conditions (such as cancer, heart disease, diabetes or arthritis) learn how to manage symptoms, exercise safely and use medications effectively. (61 words in 1 sentence)

 

Here is my new-and-improved version:
On Aug. 29, from 8:30 a.m. to noon at the Palm Beach County Healthcare Pavilion (5205 Okeechobee Blvd., is the start of a six-week series of free seminars. Those 60 and over, with chronic health conditions such as cancer, heart disease, diabetes or arthritis, can learn how to manage symptoms, exercise safely and use medications effectively. (56 words in 2 sentences)

 

2) In case you hadn’t noticed, these past couple of years have been huge for Kia. The Korean manufacturer has revamped its lineup; launched some exciting new vehicles, including the Genesis luxury sedan, which was named the 2009 North American Car of the Year; and set out on a mission to not only outperform “The Big Three” (Toyota, Honda and Nissan) — long considered to be Kia’s main competition — but to plant its flag high atop the automotive world. (77 words in 2 sentences)

 

My new, improved version:

In case you hadn’t noticed, these past couple of years have been huge for Kia. The Korean manufacturer has:
• revamped its lineup;
• launched some exciting new vehicles, including the Genesis luxury sedan, named the 2009 North American Car of the Year; and
• set out on a mission to outperform “The Big Three” (Toyota, Honda and Nissan) — long considered Kia’s main competition — and to plant its flag high atop the automotive world. (74 words in 2 sentences)

 

3) Tropic Palms is a master-planned community where you can take full advantage of a beautiful natural environment that incorporates plentiful lakes and natural preserves, walkways and trails, as well as the extraordinary, Mediterranean-style Villa Tropica clubhouse and recreational hub — inspired by some of the world’s most famous resorts — boasting a superb array of amenities, with a gigantic lagoon-style pool and island spa as its centerpiece. (65 words in 1 sentence)

 

When I finished with it:

At Tropic Palms, you can enjoy a beautiful natural environment with many lakes, natural preserves, walkways and trails. This master-planned community also boasts the extraordinary, Mediterranean-style Villa Tropica clubhouse and recreational hub. Inspired by some of the world’s most famous resorts, this facility provides a superb array of amenities, including a huge lagoon-style pool with an island spa as its centerpiece. (60 words in 3 sentences)